Repercussions
by littleredkoalabear
Summary: The Doctor's mistake with Madame de Pompadour leaves Rose heartbroken and Mickey furious.
1. Chapter 1

The Doctor had been standing alone in the control room for quite some time. Thinking, feeling guilty, just generally sulking. Rose had probably gone to sleep. She had looked rather worn down after the events of today. No, not just worn down. Hurt. The idea of Rose that upset over anything bothered the Doctor but nevertheless, he had the strong urge to avoid her. So instead of going to her now, or at least finding something to do in order to busy himself with while she slept, he just stood there.

"You're a real idiot, you are," he heard from behind him.

The Doctor turned to see Mickey. A very angry Mickey.

"What?" the Doctor replied, taken aback but instantly defensive against the boy.

"I said, 'You're a real idiot.' And I mean it. How can you be goin' off, actin' the way you have?" Mickey's voice was steady as he walked over to the Doctor.

"Mickey, you're not making sense and I don't feel particularly inclined to go searching around your head for clarification," the Doctor waved a dismissive hand towards the younger man. Between Reinette and Rose, he really didn't want to be thinking about the two women he knew he had disappointed today. He began to walk away towards the hallway. He had no particular place in mind, he just wanted to be somewhere away from Mickey. But the boy followed him, right on his heels.

"Oh come on, you know what I'm talkin' about. I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I know why you let me on board. I overheard your conversation with her back in London about 'bein' left behind and all that," Mickey said.

The Doctor continued trying to ignore him, shaking his head in negation and walking forward. There was no way the boy had any inkling of an understanding of what the Doctor had been going through in the last few days.

"And I think I even know why you did what you did with that French girl. But Rose doesn't. Rose just sees you leavin' her behind, just like she knew you would," Mickey continued.

At those last words, the Doctor turned around and nearly shouted at Mickey, "I did not leave her behind! Rose knows I would never do that."

Although the Doctor was right in Mickey's face, the boy stood his ground.

"Oh really? Then what do you call getting yourself stuck on purpose with another pretty blonde?"

Now the Doctor was a little confused. "What?! That wasn't - that's not - I was saving her and the entire timeline of Earth."

"Maybe that's how Rose would see it. Maybe if you weren't pushin' her away the entire time you were doin' it. And just for the record, she _doesn't_ know, Doctor. She really thought you weren't comin' back," Mickey folded his arms at this last declaration. He could tell he really had the Doctor's attention now.

Likewise, the Doctor crossed his arms. "You think you know Rose better than I do?" he raised his eyebrows at the question, confident that he had killed some of Mickey's confidence. He had grown to like the boy, even respected him some. But there was no way he was going to allow him to comment on his relationship with Rose.

"I know I do," Mickey didn't hesitate.

The Doctor snorted and gave a mock laugh as he turned away and continued down the hallway. It was all an act though and he could tell Mickey was seeing right through it.

"No, I know I do!" he shouted after him, "You've been travelin' with her over a year now and you know nothin' about her! How do you think a poor girl from an estate is goin' to react to you showing up with some ex-girlfriend of yours? Who's older and smarter? Knows you better?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mickey. Sarah Jane was just an old friend and Rose knows that. They even got along at the end," the Doctor replied. Again, he was dismissive, not even bothering to turn around and face Mickey.

But Mickey continued, "And then all of a sudden you're goin' off about 'Cleo' and how amazin' she was. And for the big finish, you find some fancy French girl. How is Rose suppose to compare to all that?"

That stopped the Doctor in his tracks. "I never compared Rose to them," he turned to Mickey, this time obviously upset. "And I was never . . . " he paused, searching for the word ". . . romantic with them." The idea what almost humorous to him. Rose was the only human he had ever been with and he thought he had made that point clear to her the first night they had spent together.

He had taken her site seeing, trying to lighten the mood after leaving Cassandra. But they had unintentionally been in each others' heads that day and it was something they could no longer ignore. They had been shamelessly flirty ever since Christmas, trying to gain back the relationship they had been building before he regenerated. Then his head was full of her feelings for him and while they were strolling down New Central Park, her hand in his (her going off about how her outfits never quite fit whatever time period they were in) he couldn't hold it in any longer. He interrupted her by pulling her in for a kiss. It had started off simple, not nearly as passionate as the one they had shared earlier that day when she wasn't really her, but then she had grabbed the lapel of his jacket and to his surprise and pleasure, deepened the kiss. "Well there's that, then," he had said cheekily. They didn't make it back to the TARDIS that night. Instead he had taken her to a hotel with the best view of the city, which they hadn't paid any mind to.

Mickey's voice brought him back to the present. "Does Rose know that? Did you ever bother to tell her that?"

The Doctor only stared in response.

"Because you see, Doctor. You obviously don't know her at all. She wasn't Queen of Egypt. She was a shop girl because she couldn't afford university on top of helping her mum make bills. And she didn't get to learn about love from the King of France. She had to learn the hard way in the backseat of car with a boy who got too rough when she told him 'No.'" Mickey would have smiled at how those last words affected the Doctor if they weren't true.

The Doctor felt physically ill. He thought Rose had shared everything with him. He knew about her father, had seen the small flat she had spent her entire life in, knew her love for music, her favorite songs, her favorite color, just the way she liked her tea. He knew that spot on the back of her neck that would make her melt if he ran his tongue just there. He knew her favorite poem was The Raven and for her 20th birthday he had taken her to meet Edgar Allen Poe. He knew her favorite animals were dogs but they could never have one because she was allergic. He always knew just what to say to make her laugh, knew when she was upset and just needed a hand to hold. He thought he had known her inside and out. But this, Rassilion, how could she not trust him with this?

"Don't you see now? That's where I came into the picture. Some safe, borin' bloke who would only ever be nice to her. So yeah, go on then. Tell me how well you know her," Mickey said.

The Doctor stood frozen for a moment. He was horrified, furious even, and the urge to avoid Rose was suddenly and completely gone. He stepped forward, purposefully brushed against Mickey's shoulder, and walked away.

"Where do you think you're goin'!" Mickey yelled after him.

"To go talk to her!" the Doctor replied yelled back.

"Oh right, like she wants to see you right now! And what are you goin' to say to her, Doctor? That you're sorry you tried to rub her off on her ex so you wouldn't have to break your promise to never leave her behind? That you've been avoidin' her ever since you brought me on board because o' that? Oh! Or how 'bout you were just distracting yourself with somethin' new and pretty 'cause you couldn't stand to see how you were hurtin' her?"

Again, the Doctor stopped. But instead of turning toward Mickey he just looked at the ground. "What am I suppose to do then?" he asked quietly. And then Mickey saw it; how completely lost the Doctor was in this situation and he almost felt sorry for him.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "how 'bout startin' with tellin' her you love her? I know you do, even though you're shit at showin' it. But she doesn't. She used to think you did, back before you regenerated. But now she's not so sure."

The Doctor didn't move or say anything for a few moments, so Mickey took that as his cue to leave. But as he started to walk away, the Doctor turned to him.

"Wait," he paused before continuing, "how do you know all this?"

And Mickey had the perfect response. One that he knew would hurt the Doctor the most, and in all honesty, he was glad it would. "She told me. While you were standing around, moping over your love letter from another woman, she told me."

Rose couldn't sleep. Feeling too betrayed by the Doctor and too guilty about Mickey, she finally gave up trying to sleep and sat drinking tea by the fake window the TARDIS had made for her in her bedroom. Right now she was looking at the view that would have been in her old room in her mum's flat back at the estate. In this moment, she couldn't believe she had ever been bothered by the ship having a telepathic link with her. If she were to open that window, she could stick her head out, feel the cold London breeze and even hear the traffic in the distance. She could close her eyes and pretend she was back home, pretend Jackie was going to walk in at any moment and scold her about the tidiness of her room. And everything would be right in her small little world.

The Doctor had done the impossible and let her down. Before now, he had scared her, made her angry, made her feel guilty, but he had never failed to be there for her when she really needed him. She really didn't know how to cope with that, so she had run to Mickey and that had been a big mistake. The man had been teasing her relentlessly about the Doctor for days now but tonight she let him see how upset she really was. She had cried in his arms and told him everything. Mickey had changed then, from the bitter ex-boyfriend to the protective best friend and Rose had never seen him so angry. It made her see him in a whole new light. If he was going to still be there for her, especially after she had all but left him for the Doctor, then a part of her wondered if she had made the right decision when she ended it with him.

That train of thought was stopped when she heard her door open. She turned away from her home away from home window and looked up to see the Doctor. He had stopped knocking weeks before his regeneration so she should have expected this, but a tiny part of her wished the TARDIS would have thought to lock the door for her. They needed to talk, that bit she knew, but if she spoke to him tonight, she was afraid she would say things she didn't necessarily mean.

"Rose, are you alright?" he asked in a gentle tone. He stood awkwardly between her doorway and the bed, not yet sure if he should walk around it and come sit by her.

"M'fine," she replied, setting her tea down and bringing her knees to her chest. A defensive position. Usually when he entered her room, she was all smiles and open arms, but now she was turning back towards the window.

"Don't lie to me," he said evenly, but sternly. It rubbed her the wrong way, just like it always did when he talked down to her. She knew he didn't mean to be that way, not really, but nevertheless she couldn't help the sarcastic snort that escaped her.

"Right now, I'd think you want to be lied to." She looked at him evenly this time and realized her eyes were probably still red from crying.

He came closer this time and sat on the side of the bed facing her. "Then tell me, what would those lies be? If, hypothetically, you were to lie to me."

"Really? You actually want to do this?" She was daring him, pushing him to see how far he would go with this conversation. And she was just heartbroken and angry enough to do it.

"Yes." No hesitation there. Okay, fine. Let him hear it.

"Everything is perfect between you and I. You've never let me down, you would never do that. We spend our days traveling the universe and nothing ever comes between us."

"Rose-" he began to speak but she interrupted him.

"What happened, Doctor? We were happy and I really was starting to believe that you . . ." she trailed off.

"What, Rose?"

She studied his face for a moment and before she continued, she realized something important about the way he was looking at her. He was sad. It was the same look he had given her when he told her he would never leave her behind. It took every bit of her mother's stubbornness to not forgive him in that moment.

So instead, she hardened her face. "We were fine and then you weren't. You became distant. And then you let Mickey on board and I appreciate you treating him nicely lately but now it's like you're forcing us together. And then Reinette-"

"Nothing happened with Reinette." He was trying his best to just listen to what she had to say, but he didn't want her to finish that sentence. Reinette had left him with a mountain of guilt, that was for sure. And why he did find her to be a remarkable woman, her feelings for him had not been mutual and Rose had to see that.

"You kissed her." How the hell did she know about that?

"She kissed me," he corrected. He decided that it wasn't important how she knew, but that she knew. And he hated himself in that moment.

"What, and you just stood there, completely innocent while a gorgeous woman assaulted your face?"

He put his face in his hands, pausing for a moment. How to explain what really had happened? He sat up straight as an idea hit him. "What if, say, instead of me and Reinette, it was you and, oh, I don't know . . . Prince Williams. Wouldn't you be a little flattered. Even for a second? Even if it meant nothing to you in the end?"

"That's different!" She was up now and pacing in front of him.

"Well that's a bit of a double standard," he defended.

"No, it's different because you're the Doctor!"

He looked at her, still clearly confused. She lowered her voice and cast her eyes to the ground. "No one can compare to you."

_This is my lover, the King of France._

Yeah, well I'm the Lord of Time.

Oh.

Damn.

"Were you ever poor?" she continued.

Well that was a change of pace. "What?" he asked.

She seemed amused at his confusion. "On Gallifrey. Were you poor? I mean, did they even have 'bad parts of town' where you grew up?"

"Some were better off than others, but by your standards, no. I wasn't poor." He still didn't see where this was going.

"Then how can you understand? You see a brave, multi-talented, beautiful woman and you're flattered that she fancies you. But all I see is a well educated whore who was lucky enough to have some bad guys in her life so she could get your attention."

"Rose, you're better than that." It came out almost like a scold. He had never heard her talk like that before and the venom in her voice surprised him. It wasn't becoming of her.

"But I'm not! And if you're foolin' yourself for one second that I am then you might as well take me home 'cause you're wastin' your time!"

He had never seen her this upset, and he waited for her to catch her breath before he started.

"Rose-"

"I tried to leave," she interrupted, "When you were stuck in France. I didn't think you were coming back and I couldn't stand the thought of being stuck on that spaceship. So Mickey and I tried to go home but we couldn't figure out the TARDIS. I didn't wait five and half hours out of choice." She wasn't shouting anymore but the Doctor could tell she hadn't really calmed down at all.

"Rose, please-"

"Take me home." It wasn't a question.

"Rose, please just listen-"

"Take me home now!" She was shouting again and this time the tears came.

"No." He walked over to her and ever so gently cupped her face in his hands.

"No," he repeated.

She closed her eyes and sobbed into his chest for a moment, defeated. "I took you home once without explaining everything. I died for you then. Everything this regeneration is, is because of you. For you. So if you need time, I can give you time. I have all the time in the universe. But I'm not taking you home."

Rose pushed him away then. She wiped her eyes with her back turned to him and whispered two words.

"Get out."


	2. chapter 2

For two days the TARDIS wouldn't even let him near her room. Every time he would approach the hallways would shift and he would end up farther away than before. The Doctor responded by keeping them in the Vortex, afraid to land anywhere. He spent most of the time tinkering away in the control room, avoiding his own room where Rose's pajamas still lay across his bed from just a few nights ago.

If anything, it gave him time to think. Seeing his old friend Sarah Jane so much older than the young girl he had preserved in his memory had bothered him more than he could have imagined. How much longer would Rose have with him if she stayed? He could take her to the future where medical advancements could keep her alive and young for another 400 years easily. But even then he would most likely live on after her. And there was always her fragile human biology. She was constantly in danger while he was around.

So he had pushed her onto Mickey. It was unfair to both of them, but Trisha Delaney be damned, he knew how Mickey still felt about Rose. And if she chose to leave him for her human ex-boyfriend, then it would be the best thing for her. Mickey could give her a real proper life; marriage and children, the whole nine yards. But now that it appeared that his half-hearted plan might have actually worked, he couldn't bear to go through with it.

On the third day he chanced landing the TARDIS for just a few minutes. He quickly came back inside, his prize in his hands and the TARDIS mercifully let him go to her room. He pushed the door open but she wasn't inside. Not sure what else there was to do, he left the vase of flowers on her night stand with a note that read:

Rose,

No one compares to you. Not to me.

Love,  
The Doctor

On the fourth day he found them both in the kitchen. He didn't dare walk in, instead choosing to spy from the doorway. They were both dressed and cooking together. Rose seemed better, even happy. His heightened Time Lord senses told him they had been physically close recently. They smelled like each other. But thankfully, he could tell they hadn't slept together. Still, his blood ran cold at the idea of Rose snuggling into Mickey's bed each night and not his own. Had they kissed? Had he really done so much damage that Rose had run back into Mickey's arms for good?

On the fifth day he returned to his room. It had been over a week since he'd slept and even Time Lords needed real rest every once in a while. He walked into the room and there was his Rose, standing by his bed. She was holding a souvenir from the planet Barcelona. He had finally taken her there after they met Queen Victoria. It was a simple decoration of an odd shape, but a little boy there had handed it to her blushing before he ran off. Before then, she had kept any souvenirs in her own room but this one he had taken from her pocket and placed on his nightstand. He had meant it as a sign that his room had become hers as well.

She set it back down as he walked towards her. "Thank you for the flowers," she said simply.

He took in the image of her standing there. She was calm and collected and appeared well rested. With the assortment of her things scattered around the room he could picture her as she kicked off her trainers, slid out of her trousers, and snuggled under the blankets as she waited for him to join her. It was comfort and it was domestic and he loved it. Right now, he couldn't fathom why he had ever tried to pull himself away from that.

"I'm sorry," he said gently as he walked over to her. He reached for her hand, and she accepted the familiar gesture with a small smile.

"I know. Me too."

He noted that she smelled noticeably less of Mickey today. Instead, there was a strong floral scent to her. He imagined her sitting alone in her bed with the bouquet of flowers he'd brought her, reading the note over and over until finally she had left in search of him. He found he rather liked the idea of that.

"Rose, what are you thinking?" He wished she would just let him in, but knew that they were still too estranged for that to happen. She had only ever let him in her mind a few times, in their most intimate of moments, and only then just at the surface. With the things that Mickey had said the other night, he wondered if it was because she was hiding from him, afraid that he would think less of her if he saw too much. He could relate to that feeling. And while it was terrible that she thought he could ever think less of her, a large part of him felt a bit of relief at the idea that he was finally starting to understand where she was coming from.

She took a moment before responding. "Mostly that I'm just really sorry about the way I acted. And about the way Mickey acted. I shouldn't have gone running off to him like that. Should've just talked to you instead."

"Don't be sorry for Mickey." He took a deep breath before he continued,

"Rose, he told me-"

She broke away from him then, before he could finish his sentence. "I know what he told you. I wish he hadn't."

"I don't." The honest surprise on her face pained him. "Well, that's not necessarily true. I wish you had told me first." He tried to shorten the distance between them. She didn't step away, but she didn't reach out for him either.

"Why on Earth would I ever tell you about all that?" It was a genuine question and there was no sarcasm in her tone.

"Rose, do you honestly believe that I would look down on you for that? Do you really think I'm that misogynistic?" He reached for her hand again, but she only stepped farther away. Maybe he was pushing the subject too hard, but she _had_ to know that this was okay. If things were going to get better with them, it wasn't even an option.

She shook her head slightly. "It's not about that. You don't understand. The only two people who knew about Jimmy are my mum and Mickey. And my mum was the one who told Mickey, not me."

"Wait a moment. Jimmy?! He was the one who . . . ?" The Doctor thought back to months ago, back when he was all northern accent and Jack was still with them. Rose had taken them to her favorite restaurant, just a few blocks from her flat. They had been laughing, Jack telling them about another one of his crazy adventures. He remembered he had had one arm around Rose, and she was just putting her head on his shoulder when she sat upright. She had pointed Jimmy out, explained he was an ex of hers, and had pleaded with him "Please, can we just go?" Her hand had been in his and it he could feel it shaking.

Oh, if he had known back then . . . the Doctor knew he would have killed the boy.

"It's embarrassin', Doctor," she paused; shook her head, and continued, "No, it's worse than that. It's the worst thing that can happen to you. It's like you're no longer a whole person. They don't call it bein' a ruined woman for nothin'. And if for one second you ever thought that about me-"

"Stop it. Don't you even say it, Rose." He grabbed her arms before she could step away from him again.

"But don't you see, Doctor? Things like that don't happen to someone like Reinette. Women like that don't have my kind of baggage. So I don't blame you for fancin' her. She's the kind of woman you deserve. But me and Mickey . . . he grew up 'round that kind of thing. When we're together, we're just two kids tryin' to make it in the world. When I'm with you, I have to struggle to be good enough. And I fail." Against her will, tears were starting to build up in her eyes.

The Doctor took her face in his hands and kissed her right between the eyes. Her chin quivered from the restraint of choking back her sob. She would_not_ cry again.  
"You're wrong." He kissed her lips this time. It was chased and sweet, and it was the first truly intimate touch they had shared in far too long. "You're the most wonderful, brilliant, daring, brave, _amazing_ woman I've ever known. And you make me better. And you better believe me, because I've lived a long time. Too long I think. And I've seen a lot, done a lot, and only some of it was good. So if I know one thing, it's that you're the one that makes me better. It's not the other way around. And you have never failed me."

She kissed him back this time, openly. She was wet, and warm, and so sweet against him. He pulled her tight against him and her arms went around his neck. He had one coherent thought before he finally lifted her up and carried her to the bed: He was never going to let her go again.

So later on, when they were in the parallel universe, he would let Rose run into Mickey's arms when she realized he was still alive and that it was Ricky who had died. He would even let Mickey kiss Rose when they had to part again to go save that world's Jackie. And he would walk into the TARDIS to let them have their one last private moment to say goodbye for good. Because he understood everything Mickey meant to Rose, and he was so very grateful that Mickey had always been there for her when he himself had failed. But mostly because he knew that Rose was always going to be his, not Mickey's. She may come back into the TARDIS and cry on his shoulder over Mickey. He would even take her home so she could cry to her mum. But at the end of the day, it was his hand she was holding. It was him that she snuggled against on the couch when her mum left the room. It was his hair she would run her fingers through in just that way. It was his name she gasped as she came in his bed an hour later. And as she fell asleep in his arms, it was in his ear that she would mumble "I love you" into. And his hearts would stop and he would revel in the knowledge that he was the only man his little pink and yellow human would ever say that to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Fix You**

Rose usually slept like a rock. Some mornings it was downright dangerous to come too close to her until she had a cup of coffee and applied some make-up.

Before their relationship had become more serious, the Doctor would just wait not-so-patiently for her to join him in the console room. But ever since they began sharing a bed most nights, he had to become very careful in the way he roused his sleeping companion. If he was lucky, she would slowly wake and be in a good enough mood to cuddle. If he was unlucky, she would throw the covers off and storm out of the room in a huff and disappear for the next hour or so. However, most of the storming out of his bed occurred with her completely nude and the Doctor was rewarded with a spectacular view before she managed to scramble into some clothes.

So maybe those mornings weren't so unlucky either.

But on some nights she would wake after only two or three hours of sleep and be up for the rest of the night. It only happened every once in a while but the Doctor had noticed it the very first night it ever happened.

He found her in the kitchen two nights after their first run in with the Slitheen. She was dancing and singing along with some kind of god awful music that was turned up all the way. Rose spotted him in the doorway and gestured to the counter full of biscuits that she had made.

"Don't cha want any?" she asked and raised her eyebrows when he only stared.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

She shrugged and turned back to mixing up another bowl full of batter. "Couldn't sleep."

Then her face lit up again and she grabbed a full plate from the counter and handed it to him. "They're chocolate chip. An old recipe of Mum's. Go on, try them!"

He dismissed her strange behavior as some weird 19 year old human thing and sat down at the table to join her.

The next time he found her up at a strange hour, she was much less lively. She sat with the TARDIS's doors flung wide open, her feet dangling off the edge, staring out into the nothingness of space.

He came and sat down next to her, but she didn't move or say anything in response. She just sat there with her head against the doorframe watching the stars twinkle in the distance.

"If you're waiting for something to happen, I can promise you it won't." He said after a moment of silence.

"Couldn't sleep." She said, repeating her simple explanation from several weeks ago. She still made no move towards him so he reached over and took her hand in his. His gentle touch seemed to slowly awaken Rose from whatever trance she was in. She looked down at their entwined hands, then up at his face, before finally shifting her weight until she was leaning against him. He let go of her hand and brought his arm around her shoulder, allowing her to tuck her head underneath his chin.

"Bad dream?" He asked. His fingers twitched and he ached to run them through her hair, but they were already in such an intimate position so he held back.

"Yeah." Was all she offered.

"Because of the Dalek?" The last time he had found her up and about was just after another life or death situation. He knew Rose was still new to this life, but he hadn't thought about how their adventures might be wearing her down. They never talked about the events afterwards, the Doctor always preferring to just move ahead, but maybe she needed him to?

"No." Again, she gave no explanation.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The Doctor read her mood and could tell she wasn't just playing hard to get or looking for attention. She was genuinely troubled, he just couldn't figure out why.

He felt her sigh against him. "No. But could you just . . . could you just sit here with me?"

He couldn't see her face, but she sounded as if she might cry. The choke in her voice made his arm instantly tighten around her and without his permission his fingers began making their way through her long locks.

_Oh, what the hell. _He thought and placed one simple but lingering kiss to the top of her head. He felt her sigh once again and the muscles in her body that had been so tense a moment before began to relax. He had planned to sit with her until she finally fell asleep and then carry her to bed, but she stayed wide awake. Eventually she stood up and stretched, her body aching from sitting in the same position for hours. She yawned and he thought she might _finally_ go and get some sleep but instead she smiled warmly down at him.

"Fancy a cuppa?"

He accepted her invitation to breakfast and followed her to the kitchen. It dawned on him then that his Rose, who was so full of life and energy, suffered from insomnia. And this wasn't just some kind of chemical imbalance; no, this was so much worse.

She was afraid to fall asleep.

So over the next several months, and into his next regeneration, he made it a habit to keep track of her sleeping pattern. Most nights everything was fine, but then every once in a while he'd find her in the kitchen baking something, or in the theatre room watching some light hearted film. Sometimes she'd be in the library reading a sappy romance novel. And on the worst nights he'd find her at the TARDIS's doorway, just staring away.

He always asked and she never wanted to talk about it. Not even after the first time she awoke in his arms and his fears were confirmed; she was clearly having a nightmare. He watched as she struggled against some unseen enemy and he had shaken her awake. Whatever it was she had been dreaming about caused her to sob uncontrollably against him, her body drenched in sweat and shaking in fear.

She said it wasn't because of him or the traveling and he believed her. But that didn't make him feel any better. It only meant he was that much farther away from being able to help her.

It wasn't until he had screwed things up with Reinette, was facing the issue of having thrown away every ounce of Rose's trust, and had a very angry Mickey in his face, that it all came crashing down on him.

_"And she didn't get to learn about love from the King of France. She had to learn the hard way in the backseat of car with a boy who got too rough when she told him 'No.'"_

He thought of the way she cried out and tossed and turned in her sleep before finally jerking awake, gasping and sobbing.

And then later when he had tried desperately to talk to her about it.

_"It's the worst thing that can happen to you. It's like you're no longer a whole person. They don't call it bein' a ruined woman for nothin'."_

But she wouldn't say much more than that about it and chose to instead turn the conversation back to him, Reinette, and Mickey.

The Doctor knew he had let her down in every way. Betrayed her trust, broke her heart, all while simultaneously not seeing what had been right in front of his face for the better part of year. He had even seen Jimmy, seen the way she had panicked and practically ran out of the restaurant, and instead of realizing there was obviously something not right, he had accepted her feeble explanation of "it ended badly."

Ever since that night, when she finally began to forgive him for Reinette, he had been doting on her every wish. He didn't let Rose out of his sight for more than a few minutes, and took every opportunity to hold her hand and pull her close. Whenever Mickey wasn't around, he would extend his affections to tender caresses, deep kisses, and hours of love making. He would take his time worshipping her body if only to convey the slightest bit of how stunningly perfect she was to him.

Whenever he found her up in the middle of the night, or mercifully woke her from her nightmares, he would hold her tight and tell her she could always talk to him. But she would always brush him off, more closed off than ever in these moments, and he would curse himself every time for ever trying to push her away. How much damage had he managed to do in those few days between being reunited with Sarah Jane and his horrible mistake with Reinette?

But then one day, after he got tired of waiting around for her to get ready, he went off to see what was holding her up and found her in her bedroom, on the phone with Jackie.

The Doctor heard the tone in her voice before he could make out exactly what she was saying. He held back just outside her door and stood in the shadows. Rose had her back to him anyways, but he stayed just outside her possible line of vision, just in case.

"I said 'No' Mum, and that's final. You can't ask me to do this."

He strained his ears and could just barely make out Jackie's response.

"_She just needs someone to talk to. Someone who understands."_

"I wouldn't have anything to say to her."

"_Oh come on now, Rose, that's not fair. You've been where she is, you could make her feel better."_

Rose's laugh was dry and bitter. "By saying what? 'Some of us are lucky enough to find a man who doesn't think you're spoiled goods'?"

"_Well don't say it like that. Just let her know it gets better."_

"Is that what everyone thinks? That it gets _better_?" she practically spat the word. "Maybe for everyone else involved. But for her it will never get better. Her bruises can heal all they want, and if she's lucky she might actually get a judge to believe her and he'll be thrown away so she doesn't have to see him ever again. But he's always going to be there at night, in her head when she's trying to sleep."

Rose took a breath and brought her hand to her forehead. He watched her shoulders shake with silent sobs and she sat down on her bed. He took a step into her room, intending on going to comfort her, but then the conversation continued on and the Doctor froze a step inside the doorway.

"_Rose, sweetheart-"_

"And it's like . . . no matter what anyone tells you, you're always gonna blame yourself."

"_Don't talk like that love, of course it wasn't your fault."_

_"_But maybe I shouldn't have worn that dress, or drank that much. Maybe I should have just gotten a taxi home or called a friend."

_"Now you stop this right now. Just come home, Rose. Please." _

"I can't. Not today at least." Rose stood up from her bed and turned around and her eyes went wide with what the Doctor could only describe as pure horror when she saw him standing a few feet away from her.

"Mum, I've got to go." And with a click the phone conversation was over.

The Doctor supposed he should feel bad for intruding on a private conversation but at the moment he was more concerned about what he had overheard.

"How much of that did you just hear?" Rose stood with her feet squared and her hands tightened into fists. She looked every bit like a wild animal that was frozen in between the instincts of fight or flight.

"Rose . . ." he started and made one step forward but she took two steps back.

"Don't," she warned. She wasn't sobbing anymore and her voice was steady, but angry tears still made their way down her face.

"I haven't even said anything yet."

"Please," her demeanor changed suddenly and she was practically begging him, "just walk away from this."

"You already know I'm not going to do that." He dared another step in her direction and she crossed her arms protectively around herself.

"This isn't something you can fix. I know you feel like that's your job, but you just can't. Not this time."

When he didn't move or say anything in response, Rose relented a little. She wasn't going to let this become another fight between the two of them. Mickey was gone and everything had just gotten back to being good again. Jimmy Stone had done a lot of damage to her but she couldn't let it go so far as to turn her against the one good man she had left in her life.

The Doctor noted the subtle changes in her body language and took the last few steps towards her. When he reached her, she finally gave in all the way and melted into his embrace. She buried her face in his neck and her arms reached underneath his jacket, all in an attempt to feel him close to her. As she grabbed a fist full of his over-shirt he tightened his grip around her.

She was done crying so instead she just stood in his arms, breathing him in, taking comfort in the nearness of him and the firmness of his embrace.

"It's still not okay," she said after a few moments of peaceful silence. "And it's never going to be. That's just something we're both going to have to live with."

"I don't accept that."

Rose actually smiled then and tilted her head up so she could look at him. "You wouldn't be you if you did."

He didn't return her smile. "What about you? Since when do you give up?"

She pulled away from him then, not out of anger or because she was insulted, but because he was right and wrong all at the same time and she needed to think straight in order to explain that to him.

"I try," she said and sat on her bed with her face buried in her hands. She wasn't crying again but the Doctor had never seen her look so defeated. He followed her example and sat down next to her. When she began talking he didn't interrupt her, not with a single word or touch, less she stop. Because he had waited, and pushed, and tried so hard to get her to talk about it and now that she was finally ready to, he wasn't going to let anything make her stop.

"I try all the time. I tried with Mickey and he was nice and safe enough and for a while it helped. But then the nightmares started and the only thing that makes it better is to just not sleep. Believe me, when I let myself go back to sleep it only gets worse. So I get up and make myself busy with something and on the nights that that works, I'm okay. But every once and a while it's too much and it's more than just the bad dreams. It's every slut shaming comment I heard at school. It's the judge that didn't believe me because we were dating, and I was drunk, and it was my first time, so maybe I just regretted it too much and was makin' it all up. It's havin' to see him around London going on with his life like he never did anything wrong. And I can face down Daleks, and Slitheen, and werewolves, and Cybermen, but I can't handle that."

She reached for his hand before continuing.

"And you make it better, you really do. I never imagined I would have it this good, not with someone who knew about it. But there's a difference between being better and being okay, and it's never going to be okay. Not unless you can go back in time and stop it from happening."

The Doctor sat a little straighter as an idea came to him. Rose noticed his thoughtful and troubled appearance and for a second she was hopeful.

"What? What is it?"

"I may not be able to keep it from happening, but . . . if you wanted me to, I could make you forget it ever happened."

Rose was stunned for a moment, carefully considering his words.

"How would you do that?"

"Just a simple trick of the mind, really. It wouldn't be hard at all. You would have to let me in though, but I wouldn't look at anything that wasn't necessary."

"You would do that for me?"

He looked at her sadly, wondering why she even had to ask. Of course he would. If it was the only way it would help her he'd regenerate a 100 times for her, so simply putting forth the effort to remove a bit of her memory was asking very little of him.

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before pulling his hand away again. "Yes."

She took another moment to consider his proposition before shaking her head.

"No. It's tempting . . . but no."

He was not surprised and he allowed himself the second to feel proud of her, even though the majority of him still wished she would accept his help. "I didn't think you would."

"It's not for a good reason. It's not like I think I'm a better or stronger person because of it. But I . . ." she paused and her expression changed. She clenched her jaw and took two ragged breaths before explaining.

"I want to hate him. I want to see him and know what a bastard he is and hate him for it." She looked away from him then but her expression didn't soften right away. Instead, she tried to hold onto her anger. She liked the way it made her feel, as if she was stronger and bigger than the man who still violated her in her dreams. In her opinion, it was a vast improvement on the hysterical and traumatized victim she often felt reduced to.

So she tried to hold onto that anger as long as possible. But then the Doctor was taking her hand in his and she felt his lips ever so softly press against her knuckles.

When she met his gaze she found him staring right at her, studying her every feature.

"Go on, tell me I'm better than that," she said.

"You are, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to feel that way." He turned her hand around and placed another kiss on the inside of her wrist.

"And you can argue all you want but I'm always going to try and make this right for you," he said.

"You're never going to win."

He kissed her arm just a few inches higher. "You don't know that."

"I do." She insisted and he dropped her arm.

"I don't care."

Rose was beyond talking about it at that point. She leaned forward until their lips met because there was nothing else she could say. He was never going to give up on her, even though it was clear he finally understood the depth of the issue. Rose was always going to have those nightmares, although few and far between, for the rest of her life. The Doctor could save the universe a thousand times over and never be able to fix that for her and she knew he didn't care. When he responded to her touch by leaning into her kiss and running his hands up the length of her arms and then around her back, it was as if to say he was never going to stop trying.

There was no way to express how important it was to her that he was just there for her, so instead she raked her fingers through his hair and met his tongue with her own. There was nothing that made her feel more wanted and less like damaged goods than when he responded with a low groan and ran his hands underneath her shirt, tickling the side of her ribs and then urgently tugging upwards until she lifted her arms in compliance.

She couldn't use words to tell him that there was nothing that made her feel more in control of her own body than when she straddled his wonderfully narrow waist and pushed his jacket off. How could she say how much she truly enjoyed it when he didn't wear ties so that she had easier access to his neck, where she could suck and nip until she left a visible mark? Though she would eventually give him back control, she relished in the fact that for the moment, he was pleased to let her be the dominate one.

When his multiple layers of shirts were finally unbuttoned and lifted off, Rose thought that there was nothing like the warm comfort of his skin on hers to make her tremble. And it felt so good to be shaking from pleasure and not from fear and panic like she had with Jimmy.

When he flipped her on her back, it was out of passion and eagerness, not rage and a desperate need for control.

When he stood up and took off his trousers and trainers, she did the same from her spot on the bed so that when he returned to his position above her, she was waiting for him instead of fighting him off.

As he pulled down the waist band of her knickers and slipped his finger inside of her, it elicited a gasp of pleasure, not a cry of pain.

She felt that strange pressure in her mind and knew he was silently asking permission to be let in. This was always the best part because she could show him, rather than tell him, everything he made her feel. But what was more, she could feel him too. It was always the most incredible sensation; to feel his arousal from a non-physical point of view, but even that gave way moments later to the overpowering sensation of his love for her.

He never said it, but to be fair, neither did she. However, this connection they shared was a million times more powerful than anything three simple words could convey.

She was brought back to reality when she felt his hand leave her center and she made a sound of disappointment before she realized he was pulling her knickers all the way off. A second later he was back on top of her and she wrapped her legs around him, giving him the last bit of permission he needed.

When he was finally, mercifully inside of her, she could really truly forget any other man. Because now there was nothing but the Doctor, above her, within her, all around her. It was only him breathing heavily in her ear, leaving a trail of kisses down her neck, biting at her collarbone. She could believe that he was the only man she had ever known and she felt whole again. As she felt that burning pleasure spread from her center and into her every limb she realized he had indeed proven her wrong and she was able to admit to herself that she might just be okay after all.

And afterwards, when they laid atop her crumbled sheets, enjoying a few moments of naked bliss before they eventually got up and began whatever adventure was in store for them that day, she knew the key to her being okay was with this man.

It wasn't because he could be so intimate with her after learning what she had gone through. If it were as easy as finding a man willing to have sex with her, then Mickey would have solved all her problems. And it wasn't even that he loved her, because she honestly believed that Mickey had filled that requirement as well.

It was because when they were together, whether on their adventures, in the throes of passion, or just sitting together on the ledge of the TARDIS looking out into the most lonely parts of the universe, he made her feel like she was the only one who mattered. As if she took over every important part of his life and outshined them all. And it was especially amazing to her because he had all of time and space within the palm of his hands and yet he would still take the time to watch her as she fell asleep in case she needed him to be there when she woke.

This knowledge would carry her through her years alone in Pete's world. And every few weeks, when she was forced to be awake in the middle of the night in order to avoid her dreams, she was lucky enough to be able to burry herself in her work. When Tony was born she would use it as an excuse to watch her favorite little brother sleep at night. A few months from then, when she moved into her own flat, she would take the extra time to go over designs for the Dimension Cannon. When the daylight came, she would load herself up on caffeine and sugar to replace the hours of sleep she lost and she would think about the one person who had finally been able to give her back a little bit of herself, because it was never so bad anymore that she couldn't find something to distract herself with.

And eventually, just before the stars began going out, her memories of the Doctor became enough that she could sometimes fall back asleep and dream of nothing but holding hands and running through the stars together.


End file.
